before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
