You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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