I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dick very happy bro
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