He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
