What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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