Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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