I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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