I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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