My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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