someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize