life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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