why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
