Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
