Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
