I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
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