Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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