My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
