Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
even my farts smell like vagina
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
