There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
