I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm at about main and main street
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
