Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize