his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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