I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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