I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
