you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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