he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Randomize