My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
