i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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