you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
