based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
