Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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