i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
