I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
