saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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