you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
and she was petting her beer can
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
