You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
