Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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