Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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