i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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