I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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