I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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