I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
