i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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