Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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