I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
