I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
