I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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