Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
