Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
