i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
