it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
