but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
