Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Pants 0. Shit 1.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
