Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
