shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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