So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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