I think im going to throw up on grandma
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
