He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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