look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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